I can’t tell anymore if I hate my job or really enjoy it. I have days of both that are so significant I really can’t tell. One day D is my friend and teammate, the next day he is a complete asshole that I can barely communicate with. One day Sonny is happy we are making goal and joking with me, the next week he ignores my texts and I have no idea if I’m about to get bitched at for the franchises issues. I have this weird complex with Sonny where I feel guilt if we aren’t succeeding even though I’m no longer in charge of his Ops Team. There is nothing I can do to effect change under D’s rule of it accept pretend like everything is going to get better. I say those things to keep everyone full of hope but I can’t truthfully promise it. I can’t shake the feeling that it’s my fault if we aren’t doing amazing things. Like I’m personally responsible for the things I’m not even a part of. I mean, I’m next to those things and we affect each other…so maybe I think my energy can rub off on them? I don’t even fucking know. I am frustrated that Sonny won’t let us have complete control and also won’t step up and be more involved. If you want to work outside the office, do so…but then let the management team decide who to hire and when to fire. Keeping 2 1/2 people on staff who don’t give a fuck about doing well is hurting the entire system. I spend half the day motivating my staff and convincing them that everything is coming up money…and it only takes one Ops guy to grumble and bitch around them and they think I’m too optimistic.
Related: Why in the hell do the guys we hired not want to excel at their job? I don’t understand having a job and just being mediocre. Especially after someone tells me I’m mediocre. I’d be horrified. I’d get my shit together. But these guys don’t and they don’t seem to care that they can’t handle their tasks. I want to work hard but I want to do it with other people who drink the same Kool Aid and think we can achieve something awesome. I want more money and more high fives. And I want someone to explain to me why they don’t want the same thing.
And I want to not feel some stupid loyalty to Sonny who has only one time made me feel like I wasn’t terrible at my job. Once. In over two years since I went back to work for him. Is he sadistic or just terrible at having employees? We have 35% growth for the year under my sales leadership and I feel like I’ve really let everyone down. I don’t know if that number is good or just getting by for our franchises. I don’t know anything and it’s probably my fault and I don’t know how to be better. I don’t know how to function in this space and maybe I need to figure out a new way of doing things.
"I write to understand." ~ Joan Didion
I feel infinitely better on a daily basis since cutting my family out of my life. They were only half involved with it anyway and it was not a positive part. I’ve stopped thinking about my Grandmother every day. My only guilt was trapped in hurting her. I always felt closer to the older people in my family. Great Grandparents and Grandparents. I was fascinated by my old Polish Uncle who had a Polka band that played at every wedding/anniversary party I attended as a kid. They all observed ‘happy hour’ by having drinks before dinner or before going out to dinner. My Great Grandfather took his highball with him in the car on the way and didn’t give a single shit about drinking on the way. My Great Grandmother was the most gentle person I’ve ever met. I don’t know what she was like when she was younger at all. But she was so loving to me, when she passed away it was the first time I remember crying so hard I thought I’d die. My mother left to go to her funeral in another state and I laid on a decorative sofa with my best friend and cried in her arms. My Grandfather drank Scotch and water. Too much of it. My Grandmother however, only had wine coolers. I had never seen her drink to excess. She took a shot with me one time at my Uncle’s second wedding. It really made me smile that she sometimes had gumption like that. She had a secret irreverence and would whisper on the phone about someone in the family doing wrong when my Grandfather was in the next room. She was a woman who would handle whatever you needed but do not think she wouldn’t give you harsh words if she was upset. Deserved or not, her words could cut like a knife. I think I inherited that part from her and haven’t always used it for good. She didn’t either. But when I was part of that family, she was the only one who’s feelings I ever considered. I think I treated her like she was my Mom. She was the one I worried about and wanted to make proud. I knew her for 30 years and now I don’t.